BY NATHANIEL LOOMIS
The Mountain Division of West Elves, designated Shelf Elves, Santa’s Secret Agents, Elves with Attitude, etc., are prepared for another successful year of reports. A few have already begun trickling in and most appear promising. We are proud to watch these children grow into kind-hearted adults.
Our 2022 season was one of the best the Division of Shelf Elves has seen. Toy production reached an all-time high and the updated Sleigh-Boosters really sped up delivery. The new greens grown directly under lunar rays in our greenhouses have the reindeer happier and healthier than ever, ready to take on a new Christmas. The new instant-chimney will allow Mr. Claus access to even apartment buildings with ease.
We at the Shelf Elves Division are proud to help contribute to a succesful season, and even more proud to watch these children to grow into kind-hearted adults. It is our hope and desire that children also love to prank, but we’ll take kind-hearted any day. As stated in the Claus Guidance Manual (CGM), section 3.3, “All Father Christmas Inc. employees, whether home or abroad, will support the children of the world in ways that propagate kindness, love, and charity.”
Following the 2021 “Upside-Down Christmas” fiasco brought to us by our elf Richard, the Mountain West Elves have been instructed to tone it down a little. The time needed to remove a Christmas tree and all the presents from the ceiling is too great for a repeat performance, it’s not fair to the parents. At least he kept the lights and decorations on it. He probably won’t listen, knowing that one. He’s a tinsel bomb just waiting to go off—we might want to keep a closer eye on him this year!
Little Missy and her friends are up to no good as well. We received reports that they’ve taken over the rooms of the children they watch over, and have wrapped their toilet in Christmas lights! I saw the look in Little Missy’s eyes before she went out this year, there was a clear glint and her cheeks were extra rosy, Mr. Claus—I advise keeping a close watch on her as she appears to be the ringleader for all the other elves!
Shinny Upatree and Sugarplum Mary have both reported having no issues with their divisions as well, and I believe this means Christmas 2023 is good-to-go. The sleigh is faster than ever before and our Elves as mischievous as ever. The reindeer are out bouncing around the actual pole as I write this, excited and full of energy.
All that’s left is you, Mr. Claus—let’s all have a joyous and wonderful Christmas!